Deep & Wide Valley

That would describe how this time in my life feels. The mountain is so very far off. Barely in view any more. The mountain I’m praying to be moved a mere bump on the horizon as it’s so far away.

I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain.
Psalms 3:4 NIV

Today is Mother’s Day. A big mixed bag of huge emotions.

Beyond thankful for my ten amazing children, for the beautiful bonus children our adult children have added to the family, for my precious granddaughter and my wonderful husband that has built this blessed life with me. They all spoil and love me so perfectly. I can’t imagine a life without each one.

Sad today, missing my mom on this first Mother’s Day without her. Hoping she knows how loved and missed she is.

Also sad at the state of my health, deep frustration continues to settle in and is so disheartening. Thankful the cancer is at bay but my autoimmune skin condition (still waiting for an official diagnoses) continues to progress weekly. With weekly decline, it doesn’t give me time to mentally or physically adjust. It just continues to further limit my abilities. I continue to trust in the Lord’s plan while deeply mourning the life I had hoped to be living. Wanting to be and do more for those in my life I love so much.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalms 126:5 NIV

Each day is so very hard. My skin never feels good. My pain meds take away 90% of the acute pain in my joints, bones and muscles but it doesn’t help at all with the feelings of my skin. My hands, arms, shoulders, neck, parts of my abdomen and much of my legs feel very tight, dry, prickly, extremely hot or cold and itchy ALL the time. Some creams bring minimal very short lived relief but many times do not even make any difference. There is never relief, never a time that I feel “good”.

What does this practically look like? I need help showering and dressing. I can’t cook or serve food. Eating is a challenge, drinking without a straw is also. I’m no longer grocery shopping or shopping at all because I can’t walk that far. Sitting much of the day, mentally managing the house is my reality. A few walks through the house, maybe outside to sit are tiring. Going out to church, an appointment or much needed homeschool group is exhausting. Nighttime brings little relief as there is never a comfortable position and moving at all is often painful.😔

I have been taking a small dose of my new med mycophenolate, making my first increase yesterday, with two more dose increases over the next couple of weeks. Continuing to pray that this med is in the Lord’s plans, for at least stopping or massively slowing progression of this disease. There have thankfully been no side effects yet, good or bad.

Spring farm life continues. This week our four bacon seeds and fifty chicken nuggets arrived. Cucumbers and tomatoes are planted in the greenhouse. Barn renovations continue, just need to continue painting.

Thank you all my faithful prayer warriors! Please do not cease. Of all I’ve faced in my life this is by far the most difficult. I’m struggling.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV