Defeated

To be absolutely honest, that’s how I’ve felt over these last few weeks. Completely defeated! Why? You may ask. Warning…..vent ahead!

* My routine CT was last Thursday. The contrast makes me so sick and waiting for results bring on fear and anxiety.

* One of our children had a car accident, thanks to a deer.

* The family vehicle that taught 4 children how to drive, got them to work and school, even got our son-in-law faithfully to and from work for months is now undrivable.

* The cheap car we bought for our child to drive to their new job, wasn’t worth near what we paid for it, needed more work than the vehicle is worth, is now sold for scrap, waiting to be crushed.

* Stairs and toilets are getting really hard and painful to navigate.

* My skin is super dry and itchy no matter what I do.

*I can’t regulate my temperature very well so this cold weather is hard, especially for my hands, even in gloves, they get chilled and hurt SO badly.

* I feel like an absolute burden to my husband, family and friends, needing so much help with everything and not being able to do any of the jobs that were always “mine”.

* I have felt completely overwhelmed with Christmas. I’m not able to go pop into all the stores like I normally would. I can’t even shop by myself at all. I can’t wrap anything. I won’t be able to fill our children’s stockings like I do every Christmas Eve. I can’t bake or cook all the things I’d love too.

* It’s been a year since saying goodbye to my mom, I never imagined how deeply I’d still miss her.

* Our old pup’s heart failure is getting worse.

* The reality of being like this physically for as long as my days here on earth will be and not being restored is really hitting me hard. Not sure why that’s happening now.

Despite my discouragement, despite my feelings and fears, God is there. Steadfast and sure. Despite my anger and frustrations often directed at Him in my moments of despair, He is loving, kind and takes it all in……. and quietly blesses. No, He doesn’t fix or take away everything on my “ask” list but His undeniable presence and absolute love for me and my family is a comfort I can’t explain. These last few weeks……..

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:2 ESV

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,
1 Peter 5:6 ESV

* We are being blessed with another beautiful grandbaby in 2023.

* Our beautiful family tradition of not doing Halloween continued with a swim at St.Anne’s pool, some pumpkin carving, movie night in, lots of treats, and homemade doughnuts.

* We are adding another new daughter in 2023. They are a perfect match, God knew what He was doing. Knowing not only our son needed her but our whole family did. She is such a blessing.

* A stair lift was installed on Sunday. An amazing deal and gift of finding, delivering and installing it from my beautiful sister and her family.

* A raised toilet was installed a couple of weeks ago making that part of life SO much more comfortable.

* A beautiful completely unexpected gift sent to our bank account from a God blessed couple that listens, cares and follows the Lord’s leading. Also a completely anonymous gift in the mail. Both exactly when we needed them. 😭😭😭

* No one was hurt in the car accident and we were able to buy a safe, in budget car the day after we learned how scammed we were with our first car purchase. Our child has a vehicle to drive to his second shift at work. Saving me from being out in the cold so much. PTL

* The doctors phone call with my CT results, that all is stable, nothing new. My cancer meds are working. So I can now begin the new med for my scleroderma.❤️

* God gave me a little bit of beautiful snow, a sweet son that loves to clean and decorate for Christmas, another precious son that made, baked and decorated cookies with his little sisters which finally got me in the mood to buy some gifts. Thankful for online shopping and Black Friday sales.☃️❄️

* Precious friends that took the time to do all the extra work to bring me and one of our girls to see an amazing play.

* A bitter sweet moment…our baby girl moving into a little girl bed. (She corrected me that she wasn’t a big girl, when I said she had a big girl bed. Lol)

* My husband that works so hard to not only take care of us but gets me all that I need to live life as comfortably as possible. My raised chair, my raised toilet, my chair lift, all possible because of him. He does all the running everywhere, when I’m not able, along with countless jobs he’s had to do to make our life work. We used to be an amazing, balanced team. That is no more but God is trying to show us how to live this new reality.

In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God.
Luke 6:12 ESV

* We now have some funding to help cover the cost of doing many of the in home jobs I did. This is such a blessing to our children that were picking up 90% of this work, then family and friends coming over to do the rest.

* Good friends that are positive “7’s” 😉 post something like this, just when I need it.

* Another precious friend shared this song at the perfect time this past week also.

If you pray for our family please give this a listen and continue on the long narrow journey with us……… In Jesus Name!

https://open.spotify.com/track/1H4n9Bm5Xrv8OTrJgLpyb5?si=gb_Q6AF7QjWxjDHDVCjmQQ&utm_source=copy-link

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8 ESV